A Fourth of July Mystery…
Posted on July 4, 2008
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Happy Fourth of July, you guys? Don’t blow your faces off with fireworks today, okay? What? Me play with fireworks? No. Probably not today. I didn’t really have the extra cash to blow on explosives this year. I’ll probably spend the day explaining why I’m not married yet to most of my relatives…Good times.
Odd news: I received an email from my old trumpet instructor the other night. Yeah. That’s weird in itself considering we haven’t spoken in years. Plus, on top of that, he’s a right-wing republican who HATES liberals like John McIntire (he actually said that to me once). Anyway, weird that he would send me an email. I assumed that it was a mass email and he happened to have my address, but when I looked at the “to:” section it was ONLY to me. Weird again. What I find to be even weirder was the email itself:
There I was on my way to shop at Wal-Mart.
Getting into a fight was the last thing on my mind.
It wasn’t even on the horizon … I was in a great mood.
And then…. I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . .
(and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it … He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”
So, I look down at him and said, “Well, which one are you then?”
And that’s when the fight started…
Did he send this to me because I am a comedian and he thought that I would find this funny? Did he send this to me because he thinks that I am a “dwarf-hater”? What the piss? Why is this guy sending me weird Walmart jokes out of the blue? I find this all very strange. Very strange indeed.
Finally, I want to thank everyone who came out to The Improv last night to support The Greater Pittsburgh Food Bank. It was a really great crowd and it was a great line-up of comics. Special shout-out to Johnny Mac who is the only guy in town with the balls to talk about politics on stage (even in a room full of McCain Supporters!!! You are bad ass, brother!!). I also want to give a shout-out to the headliner Melanie Malloy. She is, without a doubt, one of the best comedians ever to come out of Pittsburgh. If you haven’t seen her then you need to check her ass out!
Okay. Enjoy the holiday today! Don’t blow any faces off, ya hear me?!!
Fireworks and Mice, Look Out!!!!
Posted on July 3, 2008
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Happy Fourth of July Eve!!!! Who else has to clean a mouse-infested basement today? Just me? Awesome!!! Tomorrow is Starla B’s Big Fourth of July Extravaganza and since she walks around like Richard III (read last week’s blog) she needs some ASSistance. You feel me? Anyway, I have a lot to do today and very little time. I have to clean, I have to go to the store (yes, we went yesterday but we forgot half of the things on our list)and I have to perform in a show tonight at The Pittsburgh Improv for Buzz Nutley’s Comedy Relief (where all the proceeds go to poor people who don’t have enough money for food. Which, technically, would include most of the performers…So I can’t tell if I’m getting paid in canned goods or not). Anyway, I am a busy beeaytch so look out!
Oh, my good pal Steph left a comment on yesterday’s blog inquiring about tickets for Richard Lewis. If you want to reserve tickets call: 412.462.5233. The shows run from July 17th through July 20th. Hope to see yinz there!
I have been living on Cocoa Pebbles and luncheon meat sandwiches. I think my heart is about to explode. Why? Why? Why do I do this to myself? I need to start eating healthy food. I can do it. I will do it. Starting next week, no more luncheon meat and ONLY Fruity Pebbles for breakfast. I know that I can do this!
Okay. I better go. It’s already 11:15AM!!! Sorry for the lame blog…”I’m busy, busy!”
Richard Lewis, Bitches!!!!!
Posted on July 2, 2008
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This just in! I will be hosting for Mr. Richard Lewis at The Pittsburgh Improv from July 17th through July 20th!!!!! I am so freaking excited! This is my third opportunity to work with him and I am just as thrilled as the first. I still can’t believe that I get to share a stage with Richard Fucking Lewis. Seriously. When I was a little girl and I was about 9 years old my mom would let me stay up until 10PM to watch two television shows. The first one was Twin Peaks (that explains a lot, doesn’t it?) and the second one was Anything But Love starring Mr. Richard Lewis. I used to go to school and imitate Richard Lewis for my classmates. I would. I would flail my arms and pace around the classroom hunched over being neurotic. True story, bitches. True story. I would like to give a “shout-out” to Aimee at the Improv for making this shizz happen! You are a wonderful lady! Sorry that I stalked you via telephone for the past two weeks…I just really wanted to work with his ass. Okay, onto other news…
I finally finished the book: Comedy At The Edge by Richard Zoglin. Great book about the history of “edgy” comedy. Seriously. Seriously. (Note: the literary tool “repetition” is used to emphasize a point.) I loved it. I was so sad that it had to end. I learned some pretty interesting things. For instance, did you know that Johnny Carson did not like “aggressive” female comedians? True story. Here’s an excerpt from the book:
The Tonight Show host didn’t much like assertive women comics. He confessed as much in a 1979 Rolling Stone interview that was probably more revealing than he intended. “I think it’s much tougher for women,” Carson commented. “You don’t see many of them around. And the ones that try, sometimes, are a little aggressive for my taste. I’ll take it from a guy, but from a woman, sometimes, it just doesn’t fit too well.”
Thanks for helping the cause, Johnny. Poor Elaine Boosler. Elaine who? Exactly! Johnny wouldn’t give her the time of day. She was probably the premiere female comedian of the 70’s and she’s barely remembered. She never even got her own HBO special, man! She produced her own special with her own money and after it laid on shelves for years Showtime finally aired it. Who the fuck remembers that? Not me. Whatever Johnny Carson…I hope that you die! What? He’s already dead? Shit. Sorry God and Jesus and Aunt Connie. I didn’t mean it.
Finally, So You Think You Can Dance is on tonight!!!! I am telling you right now (I don’t care that we are only into week four)that Joshua better win this show or I’m going to go ape-shit! He is the most versatile hip-hop dancer ever to be on the show. His Samba routine last week was perfection (as is his ass…growl!). If you like dance at all then you have to check out So You Think You Can Dance (a.k.a. “The Best Show on Television”). It’s on tonight from 8PM-10PM on FOX. Watch it and then vote for Joshua. Seriously, he grew up poor y’all! He needs to win!
Okay. That’s my time. Peace.
I Heart Chocolate Cake!
Posted on July 1, 2008
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Happy July 1st everybody!!! Holy shit, I need to pay some bills. How are you guys? I just had an awesome breakfast! I had a banana and a piece of chocolate-marshmallow cake. I guess I better schedule that pre-diabetes blood test for this afternoon…Whoa! That cake was rich, y’all. Seriously. It has me flying like a kite on a windy, March afternoon. For real. I am typing this blog while I am jogging on the treadmill. Prior to this, I wrote an opera and then I choreographed a contemporary dance routine to Henry Mancini’s “Baby Elephant Walk” and then I sewed my mother an outfit using old curtains just like Sister Maria. I have therapy in Oakland in a couple of hours. I was thinking of walking there from Robinson Twp. Seriously. I bet I could get there in 45 minutes flat. Man, nothing gets my day started better than Mommy’s chocolate cake…(fog appears)
Announcer
Are you irritable? Sad? Down? Do you lack the energy to get out of bed in the morning and go to work? Are your friends complaining because you never seem to shower anymore? Do you watch “Deal or No Deal”? If so, you might be suffering from a condition known as “Depression”. 3 out of 4 people suffer from Depression. You are not alone and there is a cure. Talk to your doctor today about Mommy’s Chocolate Cake. Mommy’s Chocolate Cake is the only proven cure for Depression. You eat one piece first thing in the morning and you will spend your whole day being productive and happy. Mommy’s Chocolate Cake is helping people with Depression all over the World. In fact, Pittsburgh Comedian Gab Bonesso is here to tell her story of how Mommy’s Chocolate Cake saved her life.
(Fade to Gab sitting by a pool and palm trees wearing a shirt with Kelly Ripa’s face on the front.)
Gab
I used to wake up every morning thinking about the different ways that I could kill myself, but now that I have been eating Mommy’s Chocolate Cake in the morning my whole life has changed. I don’t want to die anymore! Plus, in the old days it would take me a whole day to finish reading one comic book. Now, I can read four novels in a hour! Thanks Mommy’s Chocolate Cake! Not only have you made me smarter but you’ve given me a reason to live!
Announcer
Mommy’s Chocolate Cake is NOT available in stores. Mommy’s Chocolate Cake is ONLY available in certain cities. Mommy’s Chocolate Cake is NOT organic. Talk to your doctor today about Mommy’s Chocolate Cake!
(Fog disappears…)
Back on Planet Earth, tonight is the season finale of Hell’s Kitchen w/ Chef Gordon Ramsay. I love his British ass. Christina better win this shizz tonight or I am going to be pissed. Petrozza is lazy and sloppy and part-retarded. He can’t become Gordon’s head chef, you guys! He just can’t!
Oh, in other news…Last night I was leaving a friend’s house and when I got into my car my driver’s side door wouldn’t close. Yep! I had to drive home (30 minutes) pulling the door towards me with my left hand while steering with my right hand. It was hard as shit, you guys. My car doors are really heavy and it was pretty windy last night. Shout-out to my friend who was too drunk to drive me home!!! Good thing I survived dog…Otherwise my family may have had you killed.
What else? What else? Oh, big Fourth of July party this week. Not really big, but perhaps in spirit. It’s going to be awesome. It’s the first party in over a year that my born-again Christian Aunt will be attending since calling me and my other siblings “abominations”. I can’t wait to try out my new abortion joke on her ass…(Side note: just because my aunt has a wacky relationship with Jesus that does not mean that I don’t love her very much. You can’t be mad at crazy people. It’s not their fault.)
Shit! I better get going if I’m going to try and walk to Oakland by 2:00. I hope you guys enjoy your day today. If for some reason you don’t then tomorrow morning may I suggest you try and eat Mommy’s Chocolate Cake. Seriously you guys…It works!
One final note…I have noticed some tension brewing in the comments section of a recent blog that I posted. Let me remind all of you that this blog is a place of peace, mother-fuckers! You hear me? Ok. Gotta go!
Some Kids Aren’t That Bad, I Guess…
Posted on June 30, 2008
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Happy Monday, you guys? What you are doing this morning? Working? How freaking nice for you?!!
Last night was my sister’s “Family” birthday party. It was a glorious affair. Truthfully, it was quite fun. Three of her guests were under the age of 10. Now I don’t often “chill” with humans who are that young and normally I would think that kids ruin a perfectly good party, but that was not the case last night. These three children are clearly being raised by parents who care and pay attention. I wonder what that must be like…(Just kidding, Mom!) Anyway, when the children were asked who they would vote for President if they could vote the 6 year old boy screamed, “John McCain”, the 9 year old boy yelled, “Anyone but Clinton!” and the 8 year old girl said very calmly, “Ron Paul”. Ron Paul! Find me another 8 year old in this country who knows who in the piss Ron Paul is right now! Do it! Hussle! Find me one! I mostly want to say that hanging out with these kids reminded me that you can have a really fun evening without the use of alcohol, drugs or swear words. Seriously, it was a blast!
Anyway, right now I’m sipping on some absinthe while smoking a bowl and writing down my favorite swear words (you had to have seen that coming…). No. Actually, I am sitting here in my pajamas (my pap’s old boxers from 1932 and my brother’s old Beatles shirt from 1967)and reading Drudge because I am that lame. It looks like it’s going to be another grey, rainy, shitty day in Pittsburgh. Global warming sucks ass! (It does not say that on Drudge.)
Do you want to know what else sucks ass? My best-friend is avoiding me because she’s on a diet! How screwed up is that shizz? I guess she sees me as someone who can only hang out if I’m chowing down on Little Debbies and eating hot wings. Which, frankly, I don’t do all the time thank you very much. Just the other day I asked her if she wanted to go to Fat Heads (our favorite Restaurant) and she said, “I don’t know. Do they have salads?” Bitch! You have been there with me 354 times, you KNOW that they have salads! What the piss is wrong with you?!!! Some people, man…
In other news, I was shopping at the mall on Saturday with a friend of mine. We were looking for the perfect birthday present for my sister. Anyway, we were walking through the mall for our second time (our fourth hour there)and my friend’s tooth fell out. Granted, he was chewing 18 pieces of bubble gum at the time, but still. That’s like a reoccurring nightmare that I have…Wandering aimlessly through a mall on the hunt for the perfect present and then my teeth start to fall out. I hate those dreams. Sadly for my friend, it was not a dream but a reality. I’m just glad that it happened to him and not me. I’m such a good friend…
Finally, I need you lovely people to mark a date in your calendar. July 29th at 8PM. It is a Tuesday night. I will be performing at The Pittsburgh Improv. More details to come…
Richard III (a.k.a. Mom)
Posted on June 26, 2008
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So my mom has a bad back and a bad leg. So bad that she has to use a cane to get around. She also has terrible arthritis all over her body, but especially in her hands. Sometimes her hands get all contorted and she can’t move them. When she walks towards you she kind of resembles Richard III (sans the hump). Anyway, I tell you this because last night Richard III (a.k.a. Mom) chased people off of our property with her cane. Okay, she didn’t exactly chase them BUT she yelled, “I’m calling the cops jag-offs!” and they fled the scene. Seriously. Last night at around 1AM this black SUV pulled into our driveway and some guy was walking around our property. My mom, who was awakened by the noise, walked out onto our deck to see what was going on. There was this dude standing in our driveway wearing a red shirt (clearly a commie). The story unfolded as such:
Mom
Can I help you?
Strange Man
Is this the house for rent?
Mom
No!
Strange Man
Oh, well I’m a coach for Sto-Rox and I heard this house was for rent.
Mom
Well, it’s not and there aren’t any homes for rent on this street. Get off of my property because I am calling the police right now. It’s 1:30 in the morning, you jag-off. Do you want me to kill you with my cane?
(Strange Man exits quickly in his SUV. Starr (a.k.a. Richard III. A.k.a. Mom)calls the police and takes a xanax).
Scene
Point being: The Bonesso Family could be DEAD! Well, not the whole Bonesso Family…Just the Bonesso’s with vaginas. Jesus. If all of the Bonesso’s with vaginas died then how would the remaining members (no pun intended) spend the holidays? Who would do the cooking and cleaning? Grandma would not like this, you guys. She wouldn’t like this one bit.
In conclusion: I went to Walmart today and used my stimulus check to buy a gun. No. Not a real gun. I bought a Super Soaker 20,000. Can you believe they are up to 20,000 now? When I was a kid the highest level was 500 and that included three extra barrels for water. The 20,000 is more like a cannon. It’s awesome. I am filling it up with a mix of water and a rare strain of ecoli (my buddy is a research student at UPMC). I dare those bastards to step foot on our property again! Starr’s got the cane, I’ve got the gun and Rose is hiding in the coat room. Again.
I CAN Read, You Know?
Posted on June 25, 2008
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Hey you guys. What’s up? Today was another shit filled day, but I don’t really want to go into it. Let’s just say that the bank misplaced $600 of my money. Good times. Especially for someone with anxiety issues…
In other news, have any of you comic book readers read the comic book: Jack Staff “Britain’s Greatest Hero”? I’ve only read issues #5 and #17. Therefore, I have no idea what’s going on. Can someone please explain? I like what I’m reading (the pictures are purrty), but I just don’t have any clue what’s happening. This issue had vampires, Burglar Bill, Shock “Master of Electricity”, a butler who saved Jack’s life and some sort of romantic sub-plot involving two characters who are not Jack Staff. This is a hard comic book to follow without the proper context and while taking mescaline. Seriously, you guys…It’s HARD. Maybe even harder than being president, Mr. Bush. Maybe.
Side note: I wish that my neighbors read my blog.
Updates: The gas leak cost me nothing to fix. A screw just needed to be tightened. My computer is acting fine today. I just shut it off and turned it back on. Science is easy! Sadly, my neighbor’s dog is still alive. What else? Oh, my shrink is having her office remodeled. The waiting room smelled like piss and cigarette smoke yesterday. It reminded me of the hotel that I stayed in while I was in Erie. Bad flashbacks, y’all. Bad flashbacks…
Gross news: My mom’s big toe is infected.
I think that after my dancing show tonight (So You Think You Can Dance)I am going to watch Jaws. I love that movie and this is the perfect summer night to watch it. Sharks fucking RULE!!!!
Bonesso Family Fact: My sister Rose’s birthday is this week. If I had all the money in the World, I think that I would take her to Coney Island. We’ve always talked about going there and I think that we would have a blast. I think it’s the only place where you can actually still pay to see Carnival Freaks. Nothing says,”I love you and Happy Birthday” like Travis:The Human Torso. I’ll probably just end up taking her to see “Iron Man”. Which, I guess, is practically the same thing.
Well, I better go. I need to prepare for my dancing show. I’ve got stretches to do, gatorade to drink, crystal meth to cook…You know, the usual routine. Happy Wednesday Bitches!!!
It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Bitches!
Posted on June 24, 2008
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What the piss? It is 9AM and the Garbage People are making more noise with their mouths than they are with the goddamn truck. Quit being so chipper while you work. You are collecting garbage. You should be pensive. Along with the Garbage Folks this morning there is also a Mother/Daughter walking team who are scream-talking about Barack Obama. That’s exactly the kind of conversation I want to hear as I wake up in the morning…Especially when they use phrases like, “I heard he’s a Muslim” and “his wife seems angry”. These are the kind of people living in my hood, y’all. I miss the good ol’ days when I lived in Wilkinsburg…Waking up to gunshots was much more exciting than this shizz. Finally, to create the perfect trifecta, my neighbor’s yappy dog won’t shut the hell up. Now, I am not usually one who gets upset about barking dogs. In fact my brother is known for over-reacting to such things. One time, he willed our neighbor’s dog to die and it did. See? I’m not creepy like his ass. However, I hate yappy dogs. Little, yappy dogs who yap and yap and yap and run up to you like they are going to bite you in the ankle so you have to kick them in their face fifteen times. I hate those kinds of dogs! (Silent Scream)
Anyway, good morning everyone! How are you? Carlin is still dead. That sucks. I have to drop my car off at the mechanic today to fix the gas leak. Keep your fingers crossed that the work will be affordable. I have a busy day. I have therapy (with my no-show Shrink. Yep. That’s right. She didn’t come to my comedy show. I guess that’s how she rolls…)this afternoon, I have a comedy show tonight at Howlers in Bloomfield at 8PM and I am working on a new joke that is kind of complicated. So yeah. “I’m busy, busy!”
In other news, my laptop is all fudged up. The wallpaper won’t work, the dashboard features aren’t working…What the piss Apple? I guess that I’m going to have to take this into the shop this week too. Grrreat. Carlin really started this week off on a bad note. Thanks Georgie boy! Thanks.
Side note: I wish that I had a breakfast buffet in my kitchen. That would be sweet.
In music news, do any of you bitches like that Katy Perry song, “I Kissed a Girl”? It’s not a remake of the Jill Sobule song of the same name. The Katy Perry song is much more poppy. It actually sounds like a Pink song or something. I dig it. I worry that it will encourage straight girls to make-out with their female friends to impress their boyfriends which is kind of depressing. However, I like the idea that maybe some chicks are bi-sexual and they enjoy kissing whomever they want and this chick is singing a song about that. That’s kind of cool, I guess. So yeah. If you turn on Kiss or b94 around 6PM they both start playing it around every 30 minutes or so. So yeah. Check it out.
Okay, that’s all I got for today. In the words of my cousin Anthony, “I’ve gotta poop!!!!!”. Seriously. I do. I’ll catch you bitches later!
George Carlin, Gas and Dinosaurs
Posted on June 23, 2008
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George Carlin is dead. That sucks. It’s weird. I woke up this morning with calls and texts and emails from friends and associates offering me their condolences like he was my father or something. Although, I suppose to all comedians who have followed him, he is a type of father figure in a way. Recently, within the past two months, younger local comics have been talking about Carlin around me and they would use words like “overrated” or “bitter” to describe him. To those young comics I would like to offer a big FUCK YOU. Carlin picked up where Lenny left off and changed stand-up comedy forever. He is a founding father of comedy as social commentary. There will never be another George Carlin. So there!
In other news, my car is leaking gas. I think I may have been swindled by my mechanic. Remember when I told you that he told me that my last car (a 1991 Geo Metro)was on it’s last leg and that I would be an “idiot” to invest money into fixing the clutch? Well, he bought the Geo from me for $50 (because “that’s all the junk yard would pay for it”) and then he replaced the clutch and sold the car to a man for $900!!! I am such a sucker. Two weeks ago my car was leaking break fluid which obviously needed to be fixed (especially since I could barely stop my freaking car)and now it’s leaking gas. I am so pissed, you guys. George Carlin and now this…Piss on you, God. Piss on you. Hopefully this gas repair won’t be too, too expensive. I don’t want to have to use my stimulus check for gas repairs. President Bush wants me to use it at Walmart to buy DVDs and toys and soda pop, and gosh darn it, so do I!
I was speaking to a woman at my Club Cafe show on Saturday night (btw, thanks to all of you who came out to support local comedy!!! The turn-out was great!)and she said to me that she “hates dinosaurs”. Can you believe that? What kind of monster “hates dinosaurs”? She was all like, “Yeah, I’m so bored with people who love dinosaurs. It’s like, so what? What’s so great about dinosaurs? I hate dinosaurs.” I’m sure you all agree with me that the only way to respond to someone like this is to hit them in the head with a brick. So that’s what I did. God, that woman was a freak!
Okay, I’m off. My mom keeps trying to start conversations with me from the first floor of our house while I try to write this on the second floor. The fun never stops here at The Bonesso Ranch!
George Carlin R.I.P.
Posted on June 23, 2008
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