Labor Day Success!

It is Wednesday and I have finally recovered from the Labor Day holiday.

Yes. It was THAT good.

Let’s start with the menu, shall we?

We had ribs, we had dogs, we had stuffed mushrooms, we had tomato, fennel and basil salad, we had potato salad, we had deviled eggs with avocado, we had black bean and avocado dip, we had an assortment of olives, we had Boylan’s grape soda and we had “her Mims’” famous apple pie.

We were a party of 8 people.

Mom (a.k.a. Richard III) prepared ALL of the food (with the exception of the ribs which we prepared together, the Boylan’s grape soda which my “gentleman caller” provided and “her Mims’” famous apple pie which was obviously prepared by “her Mims”).

The Ribs:

Basically, we used pork ribs (non-baby back) and Mom cooked them in the oven from 10:30AM-5:30PM on 250 degrees. Although originally she seared them on a higher temp (400? Not really sure) and then turned it down. She also cooked the BBQ sauce all day (on low). I was merely “the tester” for this portion of the project. I can’t give you her exact BBQ sauce recipe because she would be pissed, HOWEVER let me tell you it contained root beer, raspberry and wasabi (I’ve said too much already). This is where I come in… Starting at 5:30PM, we removed the ribs from the oven and I brought them outside to the grill for the perfect char. I cranked that bitch up to 500 degrees, caught the ribs on fire and voila! The most perfect goddamn char I have ever had on ribs. Mmm. For real. Plus, we had the Boylan’s grape soda (best grape soda on the planet, btw) to compliment the already perfect ribs. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah. I’m very confident in our ribs. In fact, if you know of any rib contests taking place please send me the information because Mom and I are taking this act on the road! Just like those Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movies. Except different.

Post dinner activity?

Whiffle ball in the front yard, of course.

The only three people competing in whiffle ball were myself, my best friend Beth (or as Phineas calls her, “my OTHER best friend Beth”) and my brother Nicholas. My “gentleman caller”(Johnny Mac) served as both catcher/umpire for the game.

Beth, Nick and I rotated batting, pitching and fielding. Beth pitched to me, I pitched to Nick and Nick pitched to Beth and so on and so on…  Only one person struck out (NICK). Only one person struck someone out (ME). Nick caught one fly ball. Beth caught one fly ball. I caught four fly balls. Nick hit two balls into Mr. Nemeth’s yard (automatic HR) and I hit three balls over the Caughie’s pine trees (also automatic HR). Beth only hit balls into the pussy-willow tree. In her defense, her feet were bleeding. In NOT her defense, she wasn’t wearing shoes. Nick would tell you that he won, but I clearly laid out the statistics for you and it’s painfully obvious to see that I won. Like, BIG TIME. Oh, I also broke my thumb. This happened when Beth hit one of her many fly balls into the pussy-willow tree. The ball would fall from the top of the tree like the game PLINKO on the Price is Right. It was insanely hard to catch, but as it bounced from branch to branch then from branch to the top of my head to off of my shoulder to down part of my arm and as it bounced off of my elbow it grazed the yard barely and the umpire (also my freaking bf!) screamed, “IT HIT THE GROUND” and like that! She was safe. Also, that was the exact moment when my thumb went straight into the ground and re-broke for the fourth time.

Conclusion: Ribs, broken thumb, grape soda, Apple pie, whiffle ball, friends, family, NEIL DIAMOND music…

BEST. LABOR DAY. EVER.

Plus, I am so glad to put all of these white clothes away. I hate white. It lacks color.

UPCOMING SHOWS:

Tuesday, September 14th at 8PM at The Brillobox – Comedy and Comic Books $5

Thursday, September 16th at 5:30PM on The Gateway Clipper – The Best of the Burgh Party $45

Saturday, September 18th at 10PM at the Cabaret Theater – The John McIntire Dangerously LIVE Talk Show $5

Hi everybody! My name is Gab and I like comic books. A lot.

I like comic books SO much that my next comedy show is dedicated to them:

Official Press Release:

COMEDY/COMIC BOOK SHOW!

What’s funnier, standup comedy or comic book cartoons?

Fortunately, you no longer have to grapple with this impossible-to-solve brain twisting conundrum from hell!

Gab Bonesso and The Brillo Box presents: Comedy Comic Book Night!

First, headliner Gab Bonesso is a human cartoon. It is a fact. You could look it up. Sound effects follow her wherever she goes. Seriously. (Recently named Best Comedian by Pittsburgh Magazine Readers, they inexplicably neglected to vote her best human cartoon character).

Second, comedian John McIntire has been drawn as a cartoon by the Post-Gazette’s political cartoonist, Rob Rogers. So he has a cartoon alter ego, to match his outsized regular ego.

Third, Rob Rogers is appearing on stage, and so are his cartoons and he has drawn himself as a cartoon as well. So he’s a cartoonist, captured in a cartoon, wrapped in an enigma, pieced in a puzzle, hopelessly headed for the rabbit hole cartoon graveyard.  Unless Scott Pilgrim or some other dork can save him.

Fourth, comedian Sean Collier is one of those comic book obsessed geeks who you just want to slap and say “Get a life! Why can’t you be more like your father???”

In other Comic Book News…

I have officially voted: Phantom of the Attic - THE BEST COMIC BOOK STORE IN DA BURGH!!!! I made this decision for three reasons: (1) They don’t discriminate against WOMEN COMIC BOOK LOVERS the way a certain comic book shop in the Strip District does. (Well, “Discriminate” isn’t quite the word. The guys at Eides basically glare at me for entering their sacred “DUDE TEMPLE” and then quietly masturbate while I peruse SubMariner comics.) (2) CLEANER, BETTER, CLEANER. (3) Wayne Wise works there. Wayne Wise was one of the first four Comic Book Artists who was funded by the Xeric Grant (an annual Comic Book grant created by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle co-creator Peter Laird), and Wayne is also the creator of Grey Legacy Tales which is an AWESOME comic book. Wayne knows his comic book shiz. In fact, he has actually lectured about the history of comics at The Pittsburgh Toonseum among other venues. Please support Wayne and Phantom Comics if that’s “yo thang”.

Also in Comic Book News…

I had the pleasure of co-hosting Dr. Sketchy this past Monday at the Gypsy Cafe in the South Side with the one and only Joe Wos (curator of the Pittsburgh Toonseum/cartoonist). It’s a very cool evening of drawing and modeling and humor.  I had the opportunity of witnessing Dave Wachter sketch. I never even heard of Dave until Monday when from the stage I could not take my eyes off of his work. His drawings were beyond incredible. Throughout the night, Joe runs different drawing contests. I’m pretty sure Dave Wachter won at least four of them. Finally, I approached him and was like, “Dude. Your shit is professional. What’s your deal, brother man?” and he gave me his card with a link to his online comic: The Guns of Shadow Valley (which he described as “The Magnificent Seven meets The X-Men”). I highly recommend it.

Marvel related News…

Is anyone else watching Stan Lee’s Superhumans on The History Channel? Brother Pepe` told me about it a couple weeks ago, but like most things Pepe` (for instance Pepe` thinks he owns the actual Warren Report) I assumed he was talking kooky-talk.  I would like to make a public apology to my brother: Pepe`. You were right, brother. The show is pretty, freaking awesome. It’s like watching real X-Men, bitches. I mean it. Like for real. I’m watching it on DVR right now and there is a guy who has a skull that can withstand dropping a car on it!

Finally…

There is a cool exhibit opening this week at C Space: Collective (4823 Penn Avenue) called: People I Know (and Some I Don’t) – A Collection of Drawings of People and Things by Mario Zucca. According to our friend Joe Wos, Mario Zucca is an incredible artist. The exhibit opens this Friday, September 3rd from 6PM-9PM. Long live local art!

(Gab Bonesso is a comedian, actor, writer, producer, real-life cartoon currently living in the city of Pittsburgh. She was recently named The Best Comedian in Pittsburgh by the readers of Pittsburgh Magazine. She shares a room with her best friend Phineas (the shark).)

Two comedians endlessly disagree on a possible theme for a new Internet talk show.
They find it impossible to agree on anything. Then one reveals to the other there’s a giant picture of John F. Kennedy’s head laying around the house. Boom! They instantly agree on “The Kennedy Show.”

Join John McIntire, Gab Bonesso, and millions of conspiracy theorists worldwide, as they obsess on all things Kennedy, as it might relate to modern day topics.

Kennedy show franchise pieces include “Drive-by Commentary” and “Rage Moments With Gab.”

John and Gab are two comedians with too much time on their hands and a distinct inability to decide what to do with it.

John F. Kennedy was this really famous president guy who got shot and stuff.

“The Kennedy Show” is available on the websites www.Gabbonesso.com, www.MacYapper.blogspot.com, and the YouTube channel www.youtube.com/JohnOliverMcIntire, plus Facebook and all those other lame-ass social networking sites.

John and Gab will be accepting video submissions for possible use on “The Kennedy Show.” Ahsk NOT what your Kennedy Show can do for you…

The Kennedys themselves have declined comment.

I’m thinkin’…

Punctuation.

Anyway, they are having this BIG PARTY to celebrate on Thursday, September 16th from 5:30PM – 8:30PM on the Gateway Clipper Cruise. Tickets are little pricey… $45. BUT… It includes a meal. I think. Also, it DEFINITELY includes entertainment! I will be performing along with the band 28 NORTH and Bodiography Contemporary Dance Company.

The only rub here is that I have to be on a boat for THREE HOURS. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have vertigo. I have pills that I can take to help with the vertigo however the pills make me blind. So I will either be doing standup whilst throwing up OR I will be doing standup the way Stevie Wonder sings songs. Blind.

If you are not familiar with vertigo then watch the following informative video:

THAT’S MY LIFE!!!!!!

In other news… The latest episode of The John McIntire Show on COMCAST on DEMAND is now available for viewing. It’s entitled, “LOVE/HATE PITTSBURGH”. Naturally, I LOVE my hometown (especially the people’s taste in comedy. *wink*) but if there is ONE thing that I hate… NO GOOD PLACES TO EAT! Jesus. The restaurants in this town BLOW. Except for UMI. Sometimes KAYA. Usually SOBA. Wait, scratch that. I really love Piccolo Forno in Lawrenceville. That place ROCKS. The service is a bit slow, but overall good Italian grub. Oh, and Lynn’s Cafe in Robinson Twp.. We have NOTHING in Robinson and Lynn’s is AWESOME. It’s like oldey times. The prices are so low it’s ridiculous. Plus, they have decent java. Anyway, the point is if you want to watch the new show on COMCAST on DEMAND then follow the directions below:

Finally, as a thank you to all of you who voted for me (MOM) I would like to post my favorite dance from this season of SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks again!

WATCH VIDEO HERE

The Tough Guy

What? You think your special? You think I should pay to watch you tell jokes? What? Your parents didn’t give you no attention? You probably would take your shirt off if I asked you to? You make me sick. Performers. Give me a break. You are a bunch of pathetic, attention-seeking WHORES. I would rather my kid work as a fucking custodian than be a goddamn actor! You know who becomes actors? Weak people. Take it from me. In my day, you only got on the stage if you had REAL talent. Like Frank Sinatra. Or Jerry Lewis.

The Voice of Judy Garland

Hey Mickey! Let’s put on a show. What do you say, Mickey? Your name will be in big, bright lights as the writer/director/producer and my name will be in giant, brightest of bright lights as the leading star. Oh! Wouldn’t that be great Mickey? We would finally be able to make enough money to help out our parents… Oh! That would be tops, wouldn’t it Mickey? I would love to be able to buy my mother a new dress. Gosh. She’s worn the same dress for years. Any money she makes she usually spends on me. Gee, Mickey. I sure would love to buy my mom a dress!

The Suicidal Writer

What’s the point? Why do I even bother? This is the fourth show now and who even cares? I don’t. I don’t care about anything. Except my funeral. I have left detailed instructions with my mother. God. She’s useless. I told her specifically to put them in a safe, dry area and she says, “God forbid you die before me! No parent should have to bury their child!”. Thank God I hired a lawyer. I need someone to pull this funeral off the way I envision it. God knows that my shows never, NEVER go the way I envision them. Fourth fucking show. Fourth show where I have written another brand new 20 plus minute set. What’s the point? It’s all meaningless anyway. I wish Dawson’s Creek was still on the air…

The Mother

Cut out this negative talk, Jagoff or I’m going clock you on top of your head. Are you going to make me say it? Are you? Lean in. Lean in. (She hits her daughter on the top of her head.) I had to knock some sense into you. You have to know that you are great, baby. YOU have to know it. Not me. Not your brothers. Not your sister. YOU. (pause) What does Judge Judy say? (silence) What does she say? (silence) “PUT YOUR LISTENING EARS ON, MADAM!” You need to listen to your mommy and know that you are going to have a great show on Friday. You hear me? Great show. You’re wonderful baby. You need to know it.

The Voice of Judy Garland

Gee whiz, Mickey. I sure feel fat. I better take one of these diet pills that Uncle Louis gave me. Gee whiz, Mickey. I haven’t slept in days. I better take one of these sleeping pills Uncle Louis gave me. (Days pass) Mickey? Mickey?! Where are you, Mickey?!! What day is it? Oh, it’s next week already! Uncle Louis must be awfully mad at me. Is he, Mickey? IS HE, MICKEY?!!!! (Rage voice) I’m the star of this studio and don’t you forget, Mickey! You are nothing without me. There would be no MGM if not for me!  I AM MOVIE MUSICALS!!!! (Hysterical sobbing) I’m sorry, Mickey. I’m so sorry. (Cry singing) Somewhere over the rainbow… (More sobs)… (Continued Cry singing) Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas (followed by more sobs and then, finally, snoring).

The Serial Killer

I think I’m going to cover myself in explosives for Friday’s show…

The Eight Year Old

I can’t wait for my show on Friday. I hope all my friends come. I know Phinny is going to be there but Beth’s going to be Florida visiting Barbie. I can’t wait. I know Mom’s going to be there and Rosie. It’s going to be so much fun. There’s going to be candy and soda pop and toys and stuff to draw on and there’s going to be COMEDY which my favorite game to play in the whole wide World!!!!! I sure wish everyone would come to my show. I wrote some awesome jokes. Phinny thought they were really funny. Did you know that Phineas is my second best friend? Beth is my first. Well, I mean not counting my family members who are also my best friends. I love friends! And COMEDY! AND LIFE! (pause) THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!

Disclaimer: This blog was written by some of the voices in Gab’s head.

The Gab Bonesso Comedy Party

Friday July 9th at 8PM

Bricolage Theater (937 Liberty Avenue)

With special guests:

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Lisa Ann Goldsmith

the Toonseum’s Joe Wos

and your host:

John (Mac) McIntire

Tickets are $10

Soda and candy will be provided

Here is an example of Krumping:

Krampus - Krampus was an Austro-Hungarian mythical creature who accompanied Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. While Santa gave presents to good children, Krampus used chains and birch rods to terrorize the bad ones. Krampus is also a sketch comedy troupe based in New York City.

Here is an example of Krampus:

Announcer:

Both Krumping and Krampus are very good distractions for Depression.

If you or anyone you love is suffering from Depression ask your doctor about Krumping and Krampus.

Krumping and Krampus is not for everyone.

Krumping can cause injured muscles.

Krampus can cause liberalism.

Ask your Doctor about side effects which may include: loss of weight, black friends, pithy conversations and never leaving the house.

Krumping and Krampus.

Don’t you deserve to be as happy as boring people?

UPCOMING SHOWS…