“Let’s Put on a Show, Kids!”
The Tough Guy
What? You think your special? You think I should pay to watch you tell jokes? What? Your parents didn’t give you no attention? You probably would take your shirt off if I asked you to? You make me sick. Performers. Give me a break. You are a bunch of pathetic, attention-seeking WHORES. I would rather my kid work as a fucking custodian than be a goddamn actor! You know who becomes actors? Weak people. Take it from me. In my day, you only got on the stage if you had REAL talent. Like Frank Sinatra. Or Jerry Lewis.
The Voice of Judy Garland
Hey Mickey! Let’s put on a show. What do you say, Mickey? Your name will be in big, bright lights as the writer/director/producer and my name will be in giant, brightest of bright lights as the leading star. Oh! Wouldn’t that be great Mickey? We would finally be able to make enough money to help out our parents… Oh! That would be tops, wouldn’t it Mickey? I would love to be able to buy my mother a new dress. Gosh. She’s worn the same dress for years. Any money she makes she usually spends on me. Gee, Mickey. I sure would love to buy my mom a dress!
The Suicidal Writer
What’s the point? Why do I even bother? This is the fourth show now and who even cares? I don’t. I don’t care about anything. Except my funeral. I have left detailed instructions with my mother. God. She’s useless. I told her specifically to put them in a safe, dry area and she says, “God forbid you die before me! No parent should have to bury their child!”. Thank God I hired a lawyer. I need someone to pull this funeral off the way I envision it. God knows that my shows never, NEVER go the way I envision them. Fourth fucking show. Fourth show where I have written another brand new 20 plus minute set. What’s the point? It’s all meaningless anyway. I wish Dawson’s Creek was still on the air…
The Mother
Cut out this negative talk, Jagoff or I’m going clock you on top of your head. Are you going to make me say it? Are you? Lean in. Lean in. (She hits her daughter on the top of her head.) I had to knock some sense into you. You have to know that you are great, baby. YOU have to know it. Not me. Not your brothers. Not your sister. YOU. (pause) What does Judge Judy say? (silence) What does she say? (silence) “PUT YOUR LISTENING EARS ON, MADAM!” You need to listen to your mommy and know that you are going to have a great show on Friday. You hear me? Great show. You’re wonderful baby. You need to know it.
The Voice of Judy Garland
Gee whiz, Mickey. I sure feel fat. I better take one of these diet pills that Uncle Louis gave me. Gee whiz, Mickey. I haven’t slept in days. I better take one of these sleeping pills Uncle Louis gave me. (Days pass) Mickey? Mickey?! Where are you, Mickey?!! What day is it? Oh, it’s next week already! Uncle Louis must be awfully mad at me. Is he, Mickey? IS HE, MICKEY?!!!! (Rage voice) I’m the star of this studio and don’t you forget, Mickey! You are nothing without me. There would be no MGM if not for me! I AM MOVIE MUSICALS!!!! (Hysterical sobbing) I’m sorry, Mickey. I’m so sorry. (Cry singing) Somewhere over the rainbow… (More sobs)… (Continued Cry singing) Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas (followed by more sobs and then, finally, snoring).
The Serial Killer
I think I’m going to cover myself in explosives for Friday’s show…
The Eight Year Old
I can’t wait for my show on Friday. I hope all my friends come. I know Phinny is going to be there but Beth’s going to be Florida visiting Barbie. I can’t wait. I know Mom’s going to be there and Rosie. It’s going to be so much fun. There’s going to be candy and soda pop and toys and stuff to draw on and there’s going to be COMEDY which my favorite game to play in the whole wide World!!!!! I sure wish everyone would come to my show. I wrote some awesome jokes. Phinny thought they were really funny. Did you know that Phineas is my second best friend? Beth is my first. Well, I mean not counting my family members who are also my best friends. I love friends! And COMEDY! AND LIFE! (pause) THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!
Disclaimer: This blog was written by some of the voices in Gab’s head.
The Gab Bonesso Comedy Party
Friday July 9th at 8PM
Bricolage Theater (937 Liberty Avenue)
With special guests:
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Lisa Ann Goldsmith
the Toonseum’s Joe Wos
and your host:
John (Mac) McIntire
Tickets are $10
Soda and candy will be provided
